As seen on Destructoid.

I gotta tell you, folks, while you’re gonna have to look a long way for reason here, it’s guaranteed to make some of you chuckle. Hell, maybe you’re even gonna find a nugget of truth in there.

Let’s look at the individual points that the article makes about Zelda:

Link is a pussy: Considering that Link has over a dousin of games where he goes off killing both small baddies and huge baddies, it’s hard to make a case that he’s anything but the most courageous man around the block. But hey, he doesn’t exactly look like a macho man, so I suppose we must concede. Unless we’re counting in the Fierce Deity. Hey, I think that would be fair.

Chaoseater is better than the Master Sword: I’ll quote the article here: “Following on from our last point, you can tell which warrior is superior by the weapons they choose to wield.” Which is true – except that Link wields not one weapon but many, many, many weapons. But since the article chooses to compare only the Master Sword and the Chaoseater (that’s the weapon you use in Darksiders, by the way), we must concede this point as well.

Darksiders has Mark Hamill: Apparently Mark Hamill is a big deal. I dunno, I don’t pay attention to such things. But hey, if he is that good then he is that good. Plus Zelda doesn’t have voice acting, so what can you do? Third point conceded.

Darksiders has a shiny cover: It does in fact have a shiny cover – in certain places of the world, but it does. Well, okay, in the old days Zelda games used to have gold cartridges but that’s beside the point! Fourth point conceded.

Darksiders invented the Portal Gun: That’s right folks, there are portals in this game. And not the pissy twilight portals we saw in Twilight Princess, no, these portals allow you to create two different gateways you can then use to pass through walls and obstructions you normally wouldn’t be able to get past. Now that‘s something you haven’t seen before! Fifth point conceded.

Darksiders will always have better graphics: And graphics are everything, folks. The article says so. Besides, by the time we have an HD Nintendo console we’ll probably have a sequel that uses whatever hyper-tech Sony and Microsoft have brought to the table. Sixth point conceded.

Ruin is better than Epona: Ruin is the horse in Darksiders, and boy does Epona lose big time in this one. He’s got flaming nostrils, man. Seventh point conceded.

Every Zelda game is the same: We can’t argue here, there are key elements in every Zelda game that make them identical to every other Zelda game. Like, indeed, the Boomerang, or the Bow. I mean, wouldn’t you also be tired of using the same weapons (with minor tweaks) to kill the same people (with minor tweaks)? That’s the reason why no-one likes shooters afterall. Last point conceded.

As we can clearly see, Darksiders does blow Zelda out of the water. It’s sad, but it’s the truth, and we’ve got Destructoid to prove it. I think we should boicott Zelda Wii and all buy ourselves PS3s and a copy of Darksiders. Maybe that will teach Miyamoto to make Zelda manlier for us manly men on manly internet forums!

Now THAT is what Link should look like!