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WARNING: This fan fiction contains excessive profane language, and is intended for mature audiences only.
The Super Secret Diary of Zant, King of Twilight
By: Abyss Master
June 13th
Sigh. Dear diary, today I spent my time aimlessly wandering around and make funny high-pitched noises as though I’ve just spotted something very odd and peculiar. We need something to entertain us here, it’s so boring in the Twilight Realm. Tomorrow I’m gonna ask the king if we can’t hire some Gerudo strippers from that light world he keeps bitching about.
June 14th
Dear diary, proposal didn’t work out that well, being thrown into the dungeons for a few days for blasphemy.
June 20th
Dear diary, I’m back now. King died and people still have no idea what to do, so no harm done. Someone told me that I might be king though. Yay.
June 21st
Okay, not cool. Midna bitch can lick my nuts.
June 23rd
So I had a minor emo moment where I slit my wrists (I didn’t actually mean to do it, I slipped!) and cried a little. Then suddenly I like looked up and saw, like, a big friggin’ head of FIRE. Yeah, FIRE! I totally jizzed in my pants, and the head told me that he’d help me smack a bitch. So now I’m like super awesome with god powers and I can do totally crazy stuff, like turning people into imps. Yeah I did that to Midna, bitch deserved it.
June 26th
My new homie is called Ganondorf, by the way. He refuses to let me call him Ganny. He thinks it’s gay. I think it’s pretty.
June 28th
Ganny looks so handsome with his tiara. And he has such pretty yellow evil eyes. Only problem is his eyebrows. They are fucking ugly.
July 1st
So we went to that land of light place. Apparently it’s called Hirool. Weird name for a place, says I. It’s much too bright for my sensitive skin though, so we ought to go to the castle. Unfortunately we ended up in a desert or something, where there’s sand and shit. Hirool sucks.
July 2nd
We took over Hirool, yay.
July 3rd
Man, yesterday’s party was cuh-rayzay, if you know what I mean. No Gerudo strippers though, apparently they fucked off a long time ago. I made the princess my bitch, but she was so pale that I put her in a tower where she can moan and whine about her sad little life by herself. There’s also this guy who I met who apparently thinks I’m cool or something. He called himself king Bubbles or whatever. He’s alright, but fat as fuck. I ain’t letting that shit near my fridge.
July 5th
It’s boring in Hirool castle. The guards are pussies and the townspeople are literally ghosts. I need some action to get this shiz going. I think I’ll go crash some more parties over in the other provinces. Maybe they have strippers there too.
July 6th
No fucking strippers. Instead I get Gorons with rock nipples. Not cool man.
July 7th
Apparently Midna bitch is still angry about me smacking her. I really was gentle, honest, she’s just making a big fuss about everything. Next you know she’s gonna claim that I’m the father. And no, I used protection.
July 9th
Aww hell naw, you did NOT just lift the twilight from that forest!
July 11th
I’ve got a feeling that someone is working against me. I know I’m getting kinda paranoid, but I can feel it. I know that there’s a bitch out there who can’t wait to stop me from throwing the biggest party like, ever.
July 12th
And there goes Kookoo village. Fuck.
July 16th
No more twilight for Hirool. I really hate that Midna bitch.
July 18th
So something extremely cool happened today. There was like, this boy who was wearing this really gay skirt (he says it’s a tunic, but he can’t fool me) and he just suddenly appeared in this cave where I was chilling out and smoking some weed with my buddy Lanayru. Then he like, walks right into me and he’s like OMG! And I’m like Whaaaa and he’s like OMG! So Lanayru pops up and asks what’s wrong and I just say calm down dude and he’s like okay and goes back to sleep. And then Midna bitch is there, and I’m like BITCH! So I smacked her. She didn’t want to be my ho so I let Lanayru kick her out. And somehow that boy disappeared but in return Midna bitch got herself a dog. I always suspected her for being a furry.
July 20th
Midna bitch and doggie found that Masturbate Sword in the woods somewhere. A nagging voice in my head tells me that that’s not good.
August 2nd
There’s that boy again, and he’s trying to get to that Mirror of Twilight so he can come crash my party! Aww hell naw! Time to hastily break up the mirror and scatter it across Hirool! He can never find them in easily accessible areas that also have dungeons where he can obtain items that will help him obtain the mirror shards! Not a chance! In fact, I’ll put them inside the dungeons! He’ll NEVER find them there!
August 3rd
Boy and Midna bitch has reached the prison in the desert, and apparently they’ve got this very weird item that allows you to spin and shit. I wonder if that has anything to do with those weird tracks inside the boss chamber…
August 3rd (still)
NOT COOL. I make a totally awesome speech about how the boy will die and I even put my very expensive sword in the skeleton dragon’s skull and that bitch still manages to kill it off! And whoever designed that chamber with all those tracks in the walls is a big fucking asshole! At least I got to shatter that mirror before the bitch got there. Victory does taste sweet.
August 5th
Suddenly my master-plan isn’t so clever anymore. It’s all because of the damn communists.
August 6th
How come they know exactly where to go? It’s as if someone told them where I’d put the mirror shards! But that would be so stupid and unfair!
August 7th
Fuck the sages.
August 9th
Oh you got to be fucking kidding me. How the hell did he get to that city all the way up in the sky? Did he just grow a pair of wings or what? Fucking cheater…
August 11th
Bitch collected all the shards, and is on his way to my palace. But I’m waiting for him. I’m putting up defense mechanisms and shit. I feel like that kid in Home Alone. So badass.
August 12th
I’m so depressed. I just want to party but this asshole keeps interrupting. Totally not cool. Plus Ganny fucked off to Hirool so he could hijack the castle or something, I dunno, I can’t read his handwriting that well. Needless to say, he took his powers with him and I’m as strong as a half-dead kitty. Not cool at all. I miss him already. His red curls were so pretty.
August 12th (still)
Yeah, I got my ass handed to me. I think it has to do with the fact that I, being a lazy ass, decided to use other bosses as inspiration for my attack patterns. I thought it was smart a minute ago, seriously. Also, why is it that I keep getting dizzy from spinning too much? I hate that! Why can’t he get dizzy when he does that stupid spin attack so often? Fucking cheater…
August 12th (still still)
Getting blown up kinda hurts. So does getting tentacle raped.
August 13th
Ganny bit the dust. That’s what he gets when he doesn’t bring fairies.